Why I'll Often Fart on a First Date
And my campaign to end flatulence shaming.
Originally published in: The Post-Grad Survival Guide
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been someone who takes great pleasure in farts, burps, and any other manner of flatulence.
While I never do this maliciously (and there’s certainly something to be said about being conscious of smell and such things), they’re downright pleasurable sensations.
I suppose I’ve always been confused as to why these simple bodily functions are so often put down and shamed.
Growing up, I was a rather gassy child, especially when I was at home and didn’t fear the social consequences of letting one rip (other than a stern telling off from my parents and poorly suppressed laughter from my brother).
My name literally translates to “god of wind”. Combine that with digestive issues inherent to some modern diets and a love of farting, and you’ve got your hands full.
As I got older, farting became something that my elders and teachers told me wasn’t okay.
I held farts in, like I still find myself doing in many instances, because of the fear of judgment, abandonment etc.
More importantly, I’m all about changing this.
I have something important to say!
Everyone farts. Everyone poops. Everyone.
Yes, even Victoria’s Secret models.
But that’s neither here nor there.
My point is that everyone has these urges to let it rip in public, and a large chunk of that population hesitates to do so for fears similar to those that I mentioned.
I think it’s safe to say that most everyone desires to live in a world where we won’t be judged or ridiculed for such trivial things as a fart or a burp. So I’m on a campaign to change this.
Why I Fart on First Dates
I think one of the most attractive things in a woman, or anyone for that matter, is a lack of apology.
If my partner wants to let loose, I would desire that she does so.
So if I need to fart on a first date, I’ve gotten into the practice of doing so, and perhaps more importantly, the practice of (depending on the situation) not apologizing for it.
In my experience thus far, this has been a catalyst for greater levels of acceptance and understanding that help me quickly get past the discomfort and awkwardness which often arise in new romantic relationships.
In these moments, my dates have often asked me: “did you just fart?”
“Yup!” I’ll say with a smile, before proceeding to (not so subtly) continue with whatever conversation we were having.
Farting is a Good Test
Let me first say that a woman’s reaction to my body’s melodies is not the primary, nor the only, criteria by which I might ponder our compatibility.
I would be lying, however, if I said that it isn’t important to me.
Farting on a first date is sort of like ripping off a bandaid.
It can be scary. Especially if I really like someone.
What’s more troubling for me, however, is the idea of being scared to fart in front of someone whom I wish to be seen by.
Practicing this non-apology in front of a beautiful woman is about as bold a thing as I can fathom, and helps me to dissolve my other fears in a really lovely way.
I don’t believe so much in the “you have to get comfortable with someone first to fart” idea.
If you need to fart, you need to fart. How else will you get comfortable?
Need More Convincing? Let’s Think About Our Physiology
I’ll never forget a commercial I saw many years ago on a kids’ TV channel called Nickelodeon.
It was comedically educational, the jist of it being that holding in farts is never good for you.
I remember yelling for my parents to come look at how I was on to something with levels of self-satisfaction that I can’t even begin to explain.
And it’s true: the build up of non-released gas in the body can cause bloating, pain, indigestion and heartburn. In fact, more extreme consequences can result: “refusing to fart can cause diverticula, pouches in the wall of the colon, to form. These pockets can become infected, leading to a condition called diverticulitis.”
So at the end of the day, farting in front of people can actually be a form of self-care.
This Doesn’t Mean We Have to Compromise Courteousy
There are some places where its simply possible, and probably a good idea, to be a bit more conscientious of our gas.
If you’re in the workplace for example, I’d advocate being courteous to your co-workers and walk into a hallway or bathroom if the urge strikes you.
The important thing for me to note here is that this doesn’t mean you have to be embarrassed about it. The practice is still in play, and could look something like:
“I need to fart! I’ll be back in a jiffy”.
If a fart sneaks up on you and you can’t hold it in? Maybe an apology is appropriate.
“Sorry I couldn’t hold it in and give you some distance, I hope it doesn’t smell too bad”.
There’s no need to be ashamed, to pretend and/or blame others.
If you farted, you farted.
And fart on that first date!
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Feel free to leave a comment…
Thanks for reading!